BLACK RANDY AND THE METROSQUAD

"Pass the dust, I think I'm Bowie."
DANGERHOUSE RECORDS, 1979



I SLEPT IN AN ARCADE

The floor was slimy and the air was thick and hot
I hid in a booth and I tried to set up a cot
Some of the movies didn't make any sense
But you sure can have a lot of fun for 25 cents

I slept in an arcade

I saw some geeks and I saw God
Marilyn Chambers and Big Johnny Wadd
Allen MacDonnell was in there with Rod
I bought a vinyl dog and a big rubber cod

I wore fine clothes and drank mixed drinks
I watched the pope fight Leon Spinks
Joe's old nip mama was my maid
Fist Face poured amyl like lemonade

There was a dog in 24B
Working undercover for LAPD
I took his paw and he winked at me
He said I'm man's best friend and I'm off at 3

Dawn came before I got much rest
I stumbled outside and I headed west
I blinked my eyes, I couldn't see
Everybody there looked naked to me



MARLON BRANDO

Marlon took his Learjet to the Indian nation
They thought that he was Led Zeppelin on a rock vacation
How could they know he was Marlon Brando

He smoked the peace pipe and he told us his plan
Sitting Bull was his main man
You know he was a wild one a real young lion
And technicolor misery is what the public's buyin
And it was a shame about old Geronimo
But we're still gonna put him in the show

Indian brothers shine up your boots
We'll show those network Jews red men have roots
Winter has been hard for the Navajo
So we'll bring in the cameras and plenty of blow
And as he shuffled in his moccasins he winked at me
Things always get better after they've been on TV



I TELL LIES EVERY DAY

Hey brother, you can smoke before you buy
Can I use the telephone, it's an emergency phone call
I'm sorry, I'm won't be in this morning, I got eye trouble, I just can't see coming in
I'll deposit it in the bank before the first of the month
You know what I like about you baby, is when I'm with you I can really be myself
You won't believe what just happened to me, I just became the father of a new baby girl

I tell lies every day
Well you never can tell what I might say
I tell lie lie lie lie lies every day

Looks like Halloween's a little early this year
The check must be in the mail, brother
Say baby, black is beautiful
Well you know I would, but I got a cold
Come on, blood, it's got a brand new engine, new transmission, and four brand new recapped tires
I won't come in your mouth baby, you know that



DOWN AT THE LAUNDRYMAT

Down at the laundrymat, that's where it's at

It's where everybody goes to wash their clothes
It's just around the corner up four blocks
You fold your towels, you lose your socks

It's very casual, you don't have to dress
There's a special setting for your permanent press
35 cents to wash, 10 cents to dry
Here comes a fellow who looks like Superfly

Don't you cry, don't you holler
Hey mister this machine just ate my dollar
Some of these stains still in my shirts
I touch the dryer ouch it hurts



I WANNA BE A NARK

Dirty jeans, long hair, loud guitars
Faggots and coons that think they're stars
All of this, my secret scars
I want to make it stop, I want to be a cop

They come into my station, they say fill it up
Little do they know, they're filling me up
With envy and hate, I know that I can't wait
I'm gonna mop the floor, then I won't work here anymore

Way out in the dark, I wanna be a nark

I'll have to go to school, and study real hard
The day that I'm finished, I'll fill the prison yard
Marijuana is the spark, heroin is the flame
If your kid gets hooked, I'll find out who's to blame

There'll be no safety for rock and roll trash
When I put the cuffs on, they'd better have cash
At the clubs where they play, at the motels where they stay
When they see my car they'll know who's the star
I'll wear Robert Hall suits and custom shirts
And when I put the cuffs on, I'll be sure it hurts

Sid and Nancy think they're in a safe place
They'll soon know that I'm still working on their case
I'll have secret keys to the Chelsea Hotel
And all the ODs I'll extradite from Hell

I'll be at this gas station for just one more week
So laugh til then, and call me geek
Out here in the valley there's a lot of guys like me
Tables gonna turn, hour of the gun
Take off your platforms mister popstar and learn how to run



IDI AMIN

Idi Amin, Idi Amin

He's my panda from Uganda, he's my teddy bear
They say bad things about him but I don't care
Idi Amin, I'm your fan

They're talkin' about Hitler, but he was in the past
Idi we love you, we know you'll make it last
Everything is greater cause Idi is dictator

You really are so freaky with your medals and dashiki
Let's go out to the garden, it's time to light the tiki
Now the fire's getting hot, so let's throw them in the pot

Idi I know, the jungle was all smiles
When you fed the missionaries to the happy crocodiles
Politicians and Jews all think you're smarmy
But just give me one chance and I'll join your army
Though I can't afford to fly to Entebbe
Next time you're in town we'll go to CBGB



SPERM BANK BABY

Sperm bank baby, looking for my dad
Sperm bank baby, lonely and mad
Sperm bank baby, I wanna be bad

Maybe he was rich, maybe he was poor
Maybe he died in some world war

Mother is mean, she don't treat me nice
Cooks me dog food without any spice

No new clothes and no shiny toys
Sperm bank babies, they are lonely boys



BAREFOOTIN' ON THE WICKED PICKET

Alkaloid Joe, a real mofo
Hauled a wheelbarrow of Peruvian blow
Some San Jose pimps from across the track
Bought a week's supply of the wack attack

There was a Houston player who made porno with cattle
And some child molesters from a town called Seattle
When the bat flew off the bottle of Bacardi
Some bitch screamed, "It looks like a motherfuckin' party"

No one who thought it was a movie or a dream
Would've thrown rice at this wedding scene
The ball became even more surreal
Presenting Black Randy with his fishing creel

He reached inside and started to kneel
In each manicured hand was a two foot eel
He said, "I've got a long black eel and nowhere to stick it
So I'm barefootin' on the wicked picket"

Hey Tom, you feel for this eel?
Man, this eel's for real
Hey Bob, how do you feel?
My feelings are difficult to conceal
Joe, what does your research reveal?
Well you know Dave, it's been a three eel day
Ladies and gentlemen, the hardest working band in show business
The mighty Metropolitan Squad

It's always very special when you find a friend, find a friend, find a friend
Someone on whom you know you can depend, can depend, can depend
Someone who will stick by you until the end, til the end, til the end
Someone who always knows just what to do, where to turn, and when to bend

The eels with a squeal crawled out of their bucket
Found a tight hole and proceeded to fuck it
Pimps and faggots alike were delighted
And some of the ladies got too damn excited

Randy said, "Sure as my dick ain't no candle
There's some things in that tackle box too hot to handle"
Delores paid no mind to Randy's aside
And pulled out a serpent who'd been electrified

There was stax of volts layin all over the ground
And all you could hear was that low humming sound
The viper showed no mercy on his new date Delores
And plugged his hot charge in her stankin clitoris

The bitch's ass lit up like yo mama's chanukah bush
And it spelled out a message with a product to push
It said, "I've got a long black eel and nowhere to stick it
So I'm barefootin' on the wicked picket"



SAN FRANCISCO

Golden Gate and I'm ready to jump
San Francisco, you're playland at the dump

Cable cars gone to rust
Skinny faggots smoking dust
Many boys on Castro Street
Lumberjacks are fun to meet
Late at night they like the Stud
Buffet suppers, foodstamp crud

10 to 12, at the disco
12 to 2, fetch the Crisco
Some of them are masters
Some of them are slaves
Some wanna do it in freshly opened graves

All the drugs I bought did not get me high
Til I met a guy at the Mabuhay
He was very kind, he gave me some green pills
We saw the Avengers and part of the Dils

Ran into a guy with lipstick and a beard
When he took me home it was everything I feared
He lived in a house, it was runs by ferns
We sprayed their leaves and we polished their urns
The ferns were anarchists quoting Chairman Mao
Now I want to leave but I don't know how


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